Thank goodness marketing has come a long way from these horrifically and hysterically demeaning ad campaigns.
"Blow In Her Face And She'll Follow You Anywhere."Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
Oh she'll follow you alright—but only so she can slap you in the face in private.
Because she's classy like that.
"It's Nice To Have A Girl Around The House"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
To subjugate, apparently.
"Christmas Morning She'll Be Happier With A Hoover"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
Because you know, women absolutely love it when you only give them cleaning products at holidays.
"Keep Her Where She Belongs"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
Just bear in mind she'll claw your foot off if you try to put her under your shoe.
"If Your Husband Ever Finds Out You're Not 'Store-Testing' For Fresher Coffee"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
He better damn well go pick out his own coffee if he's going to be that picky.
"The Chef Does Everything But Cook—That's What Wives Are For!"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
Yep, wives are for only good for whipping up meals —and then throwing them in your face.
"The Game Is Broomsticks"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
Which apparently somehow also involves some kind of gang rape in what has to be the most spastic chauvinistic ad ever.
"The Mini-Automatic For Simple Driving"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
For anyone who doesn't think a girl can do more than "simple driving," watch this.
"Don't Worry Darling, You Didn't Burn The Beer."Tumblr
Oh good. Because you're about to get that unburned beer thrown in your face, you condescending f*ckhead.
"C'mon In And See For Yourself—Van Gals Are Completely Washable"Tumblr
Never ever suggest to your wife that she climb in the washing machine.
Not unless you want your balls tossed in the rinse cycle. And not in a good way.
"He said my teeth were so good, I can be his receptionist when I grow up."Tumblr
Time to get a new dentist. And report this one.
"My Wife...Is Happy, Pretty, & Pregnant...Because I Bought Her A Washer"http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.co.uk
Sure, she's not happy with herself or with her upcoming bundle of joy. If she's happy it's because you bought her material household goods.
"Anatomy Of A Parking System"http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.co.uk
Presumably this parking garage meter system was meant to be cheeky and clever.
It's offensive at a glance, but wait until you read the details. Check out where they've situated the "ticket dispenser and coin/token acceptor."
"She's Built Like All Our Products—Heavy Where She Has To Take The Strain."http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.co.uk
If she's built stronger than a brick house, you better not make her angry with you.
"Hey! I Just Got A Promotion... I'll Bet You It Was My Coffee."http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.co.uk
It couldn't possibly have been her competency, her great work ethic, or her go-getter attitude.
"Have Some Fun. Beat Your Wife Tonight."http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.co.uk
They want you to beat her at bowling.
But they're attempt at shock value is like putting a foot wearing borrowed stanky bowling shoes in their mouth.
"You Mean 'A Woman' Can Open It"Graham Richardson/Flickr/Creative Commons
Note the underline.
"Now There's A Nice Pair Of Jugs"http://mitchoconnell.blogspot.co.uk
Given that this is an ad for a mysterious and terrifying restaurant called The Leather Bottle —it's not surprising that they're ad campaign is nonsensically sexist.
"Should A Gentleman Offer A Tiparillo To A Lab Technician?"Tumblr
And speaking of jugs, here's a long-running boob-centric campaign from Tiparillo cigarettes centered on asking whether big-breasted women would like cigarettes.
Because women are objects. Ones who like to kill their lungs. Obviously.
"Should A Gentleman Offer A Tiparillo To A Violinist?"Tumblr
At least they gave them cool careers.
"Should A Gentleman Offer A Tiparillo To A Dental Hygenist?"Tumblr
Okay, never mind. The first two careers were just a blip on the Mad Men condescension radar.
"Should A Gentleman Offer A Tiparillo To A Librarian?"Tumblr
The rest are all low-level or girly positions.
"Should A Gentleman Offer A Tiparillo To A Census Taker?"Tumblr
Or jobs that don't make sense.
But then none of these ads make any sense. Because chauvinism and sexism shouldn't sell. And thank goodness, we're all getting better at not buying it.